Depression in Darkness
Throughout this global pandemic, I have struggled with bouts of depression. Despite all the uncertainty from people dying of COVID-19, horrible injustices going on in the world, and unending bad news, I got overwhelmed even further by the endless relational crises going on with friends and family, the black hole of requests from my children as I’m trying meet their social, emotional, mental, and physical needs, the tending of my marriage to keep our relationship from declining, and the stress-inducing financial realities from our family’s medical expenses.
In my exhaustion, I cried out to the Lord in prayer asking for mercy. "Lord, I don’t know why all this is happening. Only You know what’s going to happen to our society, economy, and health. I know You ask Your people to trust You in these situations, but how? What promises can I cling to?” In that moment, my mind miraculously paused the barrage of worries and I contemplated the words of Psalm 23.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
What would it feel like to not lack anything right now?
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
What would green pastures have to look like to make me want to lie down in them?
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
What would quiet waters exactly sound like? What does a soul refreshed feel like?
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
How would one feel facing a dark valley knowing there’s no other path to take?
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me,
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
What if they were to look up and see the shepherd, knowing he knew the threats they would face and the road to take to get through?
This thought process gave me comfort. When I am in a dark valley or can see a dark valley ahead, I don't have to fear, the psalmist states, because He is with me. His rod and staff comfort me. Just like a shepherd, knowing vastly more than the flock of his sheep, the Lord knows what’s ahead for me. When I’m in a dark valley and can’t see even a few steps in front of me, it’s ok. He is with me.
Perhaps the Lord knows that in our moments of grief and depression, our greatest need is not found in answers or guaranteed outcomes, but in a Presence. What if the goal in uncertain times is not getting to more certain times, but being in relationship with the right Person?
Maybe His goal for my life is not career success, successful children, or money in my retirement account, but an abiding and trusting relationship with Him come what may.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. v. 6
Amen.