Leaning into Grief

In the midst of Covid, many of us have known physical isolation from community. But the isolation doesn’t end there. Personally, I have often felt disconnected from even my self. Maybe that’s what was needed for a time to endure the string of losses, but as this pandemic lingers on and new losses come, my grieving self can’t be denied.

The pain of my divorce. The grief of stolen moments that could have been spent with loved ones as they celebrate important milestones. And the unexpected losses that take your breath away. It has been 8 months since my Uncle died suddenly. There was no goodbye and we are just now getting the opportunity to come together for a memorial service.The grief is there, but with distraction, denial, and refusal to give grief time, I disconnect from my emotions and my grieving self.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, because the sum of loss has been so great, it has been difficult to grieve even the parts. But maybe it’s in part, that I can start to heal.

They say that children can only deal with their grief in bits. They ask their questions about loss, maybe cry, and then a few moments later can be found playing on the playground. They have to build up their ability to take a dose* of grief in. Perhaps as adults we are not so different; as I mature, I am trying to discover what “dose” of grief I can handle. I turn to Psalms for help.

In the Psalms we see the psalmist often move from great cries of distress to expressions of joy and yet return to distress. Here we see grief dosing at work. The Psalmist will lean into grief and then lean into God.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer.

Psalm 22:1-2

In Psalm 22 we see the invitation to cry out to the Lord. This same Psalm was quoted by Jesus as He hung on the cross. That’s not just an invitation, it’s an example. This world is broken. Losses will come and there will be much to grieve. Lean into grief and let your groans out.

Leaning into grief is hard work. This requires intentionality of walking into those uncomfortable spaces of not just identifying our feelings but letting ourselves express them. A “dose” of grief, can be leaning into that pain and removing the distractions for a period of time. Maybe its just 15 minutes each day set aside to remember loved ones and to recount disappointments and pain, but its being intentional to let the groans of grief have a place to be released. Outside of these moments, it is likely that grief will continue to visit throughout the day, but we can start to face the parts in order to grieve the sum.

It is there in the depths of grief discovered, we can discover the depths of comfort that can only be accomplished by the Lord.

The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied;

those who seek him shall praise the Lord!

May your hearts live forever!

All the ends of the earth shall remember

and turn to the Lord,

and all the families of the nations shall worship before you.

Psalm 22: 26-27

May we allow our grief to be expressed in our genuine self and come to know the value of leaning into grief.

May we know the God of comfort as we lean into him as we grieve.

May the comfort that we come to know be used to then comfort others and grow our ability to see that comfort with each dose of grief.

Sources: * Current Trends in Grief Counseling, Elizabeth Doughty, Adriana Wissel, and Cynthia Glorfield