God’s Presence in the Depths of Grief.
As I left Hope Heals Camp, I didn’t leave alone. I left with the renewed assurance of God’s presence with me. If you read the last blog, this comes of no surprise because camp “thins the veil”* between this world and the Heavenly Places, but God reminded me of this in new ways this year.
Camp, usually loud and active, looked a bit different this time. I had the privilege of being paired with a little girl who didn’t always enjoy the extra stimulation and needed to withdraw at times for sleep. This meant we got a little more quiet time during the week. It was there I also came to know more about how she liked to be assured.
Olivia has both vision and hearing loss, and it is through touch that she often connects to the world around her. Her parents had told me that she often likes to sit chest to chest (face to face) and that she prefers deeper touch rather than lighter touch. Even as young child, Olivia made this known by hitting her forehead against her Dad’s forehead when he was near. She would laugh at what could have been a blow hard enough to make someone else see stars. Due to some desensitization, she has the super power**of pain tolerance and strength. In my quiet moment with Olivia, I realized I was much like my new friend. I too need reassurance of my Father’s presence. And I didn’t want just a light touch to remind me, I wanted to meet Him face to face where there was no mistaking it.
When I went to the Bible, I discovered that the same word in Hebrew for presence is also used for face.
Strongs Hebrew 6440***: paniym
“Thus the Lord used to speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend…”
Exodus 33:11
“For you make him most blessed forever; you make him glad with the joy of your presence.”
Psalm 21:6
As I grieved my marriage, I often wondered where God was in the midst of our troubles. To some degree, I was desensitized to all the ways God was revealing himself, because I wanted to know of his presence in a particular way. With each new loss in our marriage, I wondered how long would God “hide his face”.
When I couldn’t see Him, I developed a practice where I list out all the ways God has revealed himself to me. I start back when I was young and list out my earliest memory of the assurance of his Presence. By recounting his faithfulness and the knowledge of His Presence, I resensitize myself to his current presence.
As I held Olivia, I was reminded that just because God at times doesn’t feel near, it doesn’t mean he isn’t there the same.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
Psalm 139:7-10
So in the silence or when it feels like God is absent, how do I keep believing and trusting Him?
Gird myself with truth. His word assures me that He is with me even when I don’t feel him.
Pray and seek His face, asking for more sensitivity and confidence in his presence.
Recount the times I have known of his presence and faithfulness.
So until I get these moments again, where the Lord lets me know his Presence firmly and deeply, I will cling to truth and recount one by one the times God has revealed himself to me.
As a child praying after my Great Grandma died.
When I went to Eagle Lake Camp and knew He was breaking through my heart…
That dream in College where I saw his eyes…
….
Hope Heals Camp.
May I not forget the lesson that Olivia taught me in those quiet places and the presence of the Lord that settled on us “face to face”.
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in he light of your presence, Lord.
Psalm 89:15
May we know of God’s presence in the deeps of our soul, that it may speak to us in the depths of grief and the deepest of our circumstances.
Sources: *Katherine and Jay Wolf, Hope Heals **Morgan Cheek, 2021 ***Blue Letter Bible Concordance