More than I Bargained for…

Bargain: be prepared for; expect.

Anticipate: regard as probable; expect or predict.

Oxford Languages Def.

Today I arrive at Hope Heals Camp. It’s been 2 years since this picture was taken. 2 years since I stood on that pavement in eager anticipation of campers arriving and the week to come. I could never have expected the impact that it made on me. I had attended and volunteered at camps before for those with disabilities. But this was more than an experience, it was a community. We were all being invited to the table with our wheelchairs and “invisible wheelchairs”* in tow. For me, I was in the midst of struggling for my marriage and to be honest a sense of control.

This struggle in marriage looked a lot like a long bargaining period with God. I offered up my time to serve others, my discipline, and my prayers. I prayed over and over that our barriers to connection would be removed. I prayed that we would feel joined in a mission together. And most of all I prayed that our marriage would find a way to withstand the difficulties we faced. All along I grieved the little deaths of the dreams we had made.

I never thought about bargaining in grief to be related to anticipating, as much as avoiding. But I guess that’s why there is anticipatory grieving- the grief that comes while waiting for a loss. In my bargaining, I have wanted to avoid what loomed ahead or more importantly to control what was to come. I have wanted to avoid that the loss could even exist. Divorce was not OUR future, and I told God that over and over. And yet as much as I tried to avoid it, I was anticipating yet another loss.

Much of my life, anticipation had been largely a positive experience. I anticipated trips, celebrations, and events with friends and family. But after knowing the grief of consecutive losses, it was hard to ignore that loss was in fact part of the life experience. No bargaining was going to let me avoid that. But there was a way to know eternal life, not constrained by this world and free of suffering.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this not by your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works [bargaining or things promised], so that no one may boast.”

Eph 2:8-9

There is no bargaining I have to do to know of God’s presence in heaven. Because I have nothing to offer. I only have to accept the grace given to me freely.

But in the meantime, how do I live in a broken world where loss is common. How do I not get hardened to associate all anticipation with the death and loss I now know.

“…the more a Christian lives in the consciousness of God’s presence here, the easier it is to anticipate the unqualified delight that will be experienced in God’s presence there [Heaven].”

- Mike Pohlman, Homesick for Heaven

As I learn to let go of my control and expectations of what this earth has to offer, I see more of God’s presence in my current circumstances. I see the kindness of others. I see the grace extended to me when I mess up. I see a community come together not only tolerating differences, but celebrating God’s reflection in all of us. This picture of campers arriving to Hope Heals Camp, where “everyone has a seat at the table”, gives me a glimpse into the Heavenly delight of our future arrival and helps me restore the anticipation of this world. Because here on this earth, we will all have our visible and “invisible wheelchairs”, but in our limitedness, God’s strength is being revealed.

So as I gain eyes to see more of God’s presence here, I also start to see that I have received more than I bargained for. Christ offered up his life, so that death and loss would be abolished. In the here, we will have suffering, but by God’s grace I get glimpses of what to anticipate on the other side. Hope Heals Camp is that glimpse for me. On that pavement, joining others with disabilities, I put myself in position to see God’s presence here so that I may better anticipate the “unqualified delight that will be experienced in God’s presence there [in the eternal].”

May our anticipation in grief be anchored by the knowledge of God’s presence in the midst of our suffering and his promised presence in the Heavenly Places.

*Katherine and Jay Wolf, Hope Heals